Editor’s note: I wrote this post in May 2020, but never published it. It didn’t feel like the right time to share that I’d met the love of my life and was happier than I’d been in recent memory. I stumbled upon the post this weekend and, interestingly, the themes reflected in it are largely the themes of my life at this very moment. Oh how much can change - and not change - in three years. I hope you’ll humor (and enjoy) a very late, but still timely, post of this nature.

I’ve been reading Roxanne Gay’s “Bad Feminist” for a few weeks now, and its giving me all kinds of feels. One of those feelings is a new revelry and appreciation for personal vulnerability in the written word. Gay does an incredible job composing short, narrative-driven essays on her everyday experience as a black woman and what it’s like to experience life through that lens and that body. As a writer myself, it's inspiring to see someone so plainly accomplish what I hope to do with my writing: make people feel less alone by sharing my honest experiences, trials and tribulations alike. 

I feel like I go in and out of my ability to do this well. I waver between wanting a blog that is deeply honest and almost painfully real, to fearing what that could mean to my day job or what could happen if my words fell uncontextualized in the hands of the right internet troll. Writing for the world’s eyes raises the stakes for those of us who like to wear their heart on their sleeve. You can tell Gay knows this, even as she reveals to her readers the deeply personal shame she harbors for experiences like social loneliness, carrying excess weight, and a traumatic past sexual assault. 

As with so many paradoxes in her book, Gay acknowledges the tension of wanting to be vulnerable and the consequences of revealing too much, and then moves forward anyway. I appreciate what she does to make space for seemingly opposite emotions or actions or thoughts. She brings the yin and the yang of reality to the modern experience of feminism, and to me, it reads as a mindful, balanced, and pragmatic approach to what the experience of being human is: full of contradictions that often all need to be felt and processed at the same time. It reminds me of a positive psych quote I once read in an interview with an NYU professor, in which he states:

“Positive psychology explores and nurtures the 0 through +10, the qualities and behaviors that make people thrive. These processes can occur simultaneously, because people suffer and thrive at the same time.” 

I’m finding that the way Gay views the world and subsequently writes is very much in line with core principles of positive psychology. At the end of each of her essays, I’m left feeling moved by the inequities she describes, connected to her as a human, and inspired to share more of my vulnerable realities. So that’s what I’d like to do here: write about where I’m at today, with no agenda other than connection. 

///contentment + creativity///

I’ve been thinking alot about how I’d like to write more, but don't. And I think my most recent roadblock to writing has been around not really knowing what to say. I feel like I’ve drifted away from positive psychology in the last few months, because - dare I say it - I’ve been really happy. I’m in a new relationship that feels healthy and mutual in a way that I’ve never experienced; we’re on the same page about 99% of topics, infatuated with one another, and laughing all the time. We’ve been meeting each other’s friends and family (albeit slowly, and at a distance), and getting the thumbs up from all parties. We’ve been having important conversations about our values and what we want for our futures. Every conversation feels like we’re playing a successful game of Monopoly (“Advance to Go, collect $200”). 

One of the ways that we align is a mutual love of self reflection and improvement. Ty recently started an intention setting and nightly journaling practice via a customized Google Form that he has sent to his email at 5am and 8pm daily. We’ve been honing it together to ensure that it includes some key aspects of positive psychology principles, like Seligman’s five measures of well being. Ultimately, it may be something we start offering other people as a tool to increase their daily mindfulness practice! Would you be interested in something like this? Let me know in the comments. I’d love to send you a free sample of what we’ve created.

I’m really excited about this relationship and how it's already helping me live more in accordance with my core values of mindfulness, positivity, and connection. There is so much good in my life right now beyond it, too. I live with one of my very best friends, who has been an invaluable source of support and laughter and connection during quarantine. I am finding deep growth and satisfaction in my career progression after recently being thrust to the helm of a major product launch and figuring out how to navigate it with a semblance of success and grace.

I’ve been spending copious amounts of time outside, in the San Francisco sunshine, getting a tan and seeing coworkers and friends from a distance on park dates. I’ve never felt “trapped” in my home, thanks to San Francisco’s general lenience during lockdown. I go on 2-3 walks per day. I am healthy. My friends and family are healthy. Life doesn’t feel scary anymore, just different. But I’ve been able to accept it. I’m lucky, certainly. Nothing big has changed for me, aside from the major addition of a certain special someone. And with that occupying a lot of my time and brain space in a really positive way, it seems like my brain is less occupied with the problem of spreading global well being. I guess it just seems like less of a problem when it’s not my problem specifically.

///the constant work of weight///

But truth be told, I’m still struggling with my own relative “challenges.” One is that my weight has continued to creep up and up since the beginning of lockdown, and I’ve felt fairly powerless in my ability to control the creep, let alone send it wheeling backwards. I’ll be the first to admit that weight loss outside of the context of severe anxiety / depression is unknown to me. I am not someone who feels they have a lot of self efficacy in that department. Weight loss has “happened to me” a few times in life in a major way, both occasions spurred by painful breakups and deep professional angst - not the sweat and willpower of weight loss influencers.  

One thing I know I’m good at is building strong habits to maintain a given lifestyle. I’ve been trying to rely on the healthy lifestyle habits that I’ve proudly built over the last few years to keep my weight in a place that feels acceptable to me, but lockdown has thrown them all for a loop. 

First, there was the daily grip of anxiety at the ever-changing local politics of coronavirus implications. Food became something I had to start buying and preparing for myself in far greater quantities than usual. It also felt like one of few things I could control. Then there was the stress associated with the new role I found myself in at work, leading a major product launch for a VIP (Very Important Product) at the company. 

Food was uncomplicated, instantly rewarding, and an enjoyable break from the unenjoyable barrage of emails, pings and to-do’s. Then there was the boredom and lack of daily variety that comes with working two feet away from the place you sleep and relax “after” work. Food became a source of fun and stimulation to replace daily interactions with coworkers and feeling good about how I presented myself in the office each day. 

And let’s be honest, nothing is realer than love chub. Making dinners together, sharing a bottle of wine whenever one is opened, and delighting in indulgences together is something that comes with new relationship territory. It comes with happiness in general. Food is such a simple pleasure and celebration of the richness of life. I think it’s ok that we use it this way, ok that we want to be mindful of how and when we use it this way, and figure out how to fit that use case for food into a balanced experience that doesn't leave you feeling heavier than you’re happy with. 

But nonetheless, I struggle with accepting this truth and feel like I’m in a constant fight with my own mind over how acceptable it is to allow this sort of relationship with food. 

In so many ways, I’ve always felt like this might be my greatest shortcoming as a feminist, this lifelong all-consuming preoccupation with my weight and appearance. It infuriates me how women’s worth in society at large continues to be predicated on her fitting into a narrow range of beauty ideals, pushing her to dither away broad swaths of her life to weight loss efforts, time-consuming haircuts and dye-jobs, expensive makeup, painful waxing procedures, a ridiculous assortment of ever-changing “fashionable” clothing. But I continue to participate in and perpetuate the problem, because as much as I want to be part of the change, I also want to be accepted and loved in the world today.

It’s okay to hold space for two opposite feelings. It’s okay to be imperfect. It’s okay to be human and flawed and aware of those flaws and working on those flaws, even if it takes your whole life. And I think Gay would back me up here.