Positive Psychology and Relationships: What the Research Says About Happiness & Healthy Relationships

When I reflect on the happiest moments in my life, people are always part of the story. Not necessarily strangers - though their presence is welcome - but close, intimate relationships. I think about college, where being in a sorority meant I was constantly surrounded by my best friends. I think about glasses of wine shared with coworkers after a long week, where we end up laughing ourselves to tears. I think about small, sweet moments spent cuddled up next to the person I love, watching our newest favorite show and basking in the sense of easy closeness. 

Relationships have always been the most important and fascinating things in my life. Particularly romantic relationships, and why it’s so difficult to find and stay in a happy one. This fascination has led me to seek out endless books, articles, videos, movies and conversations on the topic. Now, I’m excited to start the conversation on Blue Sky Mind. 

Positive psychology and relationships 

It turns out, my interest is not unfounded. People and organizations that study well-being unanimously conclude that relationships are a core factor -- if not the most important factor -- to living a happy life. This is a topic so central to Blue Sky Mind’s core mission to educate the world about positive psychology -- what it is, why it’s helpful and how to practice it in a realistic and sustainable way. Because your happiness is more influenced by your relationships than anything else in your life. 

To introduce this topic on the blog, I wanted to draw the very clear connection between positive psychology and well-being, because the research is voluminous and conclusive on the subject. 

Let’s dive in. 

Researchers consider healthy relationships to be the single most important factor in happiness 

From the man who’s credited with inventing the field of positive psychology, relationships are considered the “single most reliable” of the five elements to well-being. Martin Seligman identifies all five in his book on positive psychology, Flourish. The researched-backed elements of well-being include positive emotion, engagement, meaning, accomplishments, and relationships. In Seligman’s own words, “other people are the best antidote to the downs of life and the single most reliable up.”

For a great primer on Seligman’s book and five elements of well-being, check out the following video: 

To add additional evidence to this idea, the Harvard Study of Adult Development -- a longitudinal study of 268 Harvard sophomores starting in 1938 and running until the end of each participant’s life -- found that:

“Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives . . .[Close relationships] protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.”

So not only are relationships key to your present-day happiness, they’re instrumental in helping you live a long, healthy life.

A study out of Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which surveyed 2,500 people, found that:

“Being more pro-social—engaged in meaningful, authentic relationships, showing kindness and generosity in the world and being part of a supportive community—is the most promising route to sustainably increasing our well-being.”

Let’s pause on a few of those words: kindness, generosity, authentic, supportive. Collecting acquaintances is not enough. True happiness requires that your relationships feel authentic and supportive, that you express kindness and generosity in order to warrant that treatment in return. 

Additionally, research from one of Berkeley’s positive psychology fellows, Brett Ford, suggests:  

“This kind of approach to pursuing happiness may work better than striving for continuous pleasure, success, and power.” 

What this means: Stop prioritizing your job or your next sexy fling if you’re looking for lasting well-being. Start prioritizing authentic connections with people you enjoy. This idea is reinforced by everything I took away from Yale’s Science of Well-Being course (which I highly recommend). 

Quality and quantity count, but so does time spent engaged in said relationships 

At age 25, I already feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day, so I’m very keen to understand which daily activities I should be investing in for my happiness. Three different studies I found map the link between how we spend our time and life satisfaction, with all signs pointing to socializing as the best thing you can do on a daily basis to increase your happiness. I’ve quoted two below.

Another longitudinal study out of Berkeley’s Greater Good Center found that when people spent more time socializing over the course of a year, they became more satisfied with their lives. Here’s the key quote for me: 

“They were the people who committed to teach their son to swim or be more understanding of others, to go on a trip with their partner or meet new people . . . What seems true across cultures is that social connections are key to well-being. For example, very happy people are highly social and tend to have strong relationships; kids with a richer network of connections grow up to be happier adults; and socializing is one of the most positive everyday activities.” 

One interesting point about this study is that the researchers acknowledged that social goals are easier to attain than, say, weight loss or getting a new job. To socialize with others, you simply have to pick up the phone or attend an event, whereas other goals require repeated, long-term effort to attain. This doesn’t diminish the positive effect of relationships by any means; in fact, it should motivate us all to take the few easy steps required to socialize more.

Another study by Nobel Prize winner Dan Kahneman, titled “Characterizing Daily Life Experience: The Day Reconstruction Method,” shows that intimate relations and socializing are the two most positive activities you can do in a day in order to increase well-being (defined by feeling happy, experiencing warm or friendly feelings, or simply enjoying yourself). 

I was fascinated by the finding that participants got the biggest boost from friends and relatives, followed by their significant other and children; I would have thought that your SO and kids would be the happiest interactions of your day — food for thought. The most negative social interactions tend to be at work, with your boss, coworkers, or customers, which surprises approximately no one. 

The three studies combined represent some of the most powerful data for me, because I tend to really value my alone time. In fact, I will specifically avoid making plans with people in order to pursue other goals that I think will make me more happy, like working out or writing for my blog. I continue to seek the right balance of socialization and working toward my various personal goals.

Just because relationships aren’t your “thing” doesn’t mean they can’t be a priority

If it’s not obvious already, relationships were something I cared about before I knew about their link to positive psychology. In fact, it's likely a huge part of what attracted me to the field. 

Before, though, I was guilty of looking for all my happiness in the romantic affection of another human being. Now, I see it more as an essential component to a well-balanced well-being portfolio. 

For those who aren't naturally drawn to relationships and don’t believe that they need human connection in order to live a happy life, my hunch is that past negative experiences have caused them to cordon off that part of their heart's desire. This might be due to their fear that the desire for connection won’t be adequately met and therefore lead to intense disappointment, perhaps for what seems like the umpteenth time. 

I want to persuade anyone with this mindset that relationships are worth investing in and getting right. Even if they're not perfect, their healthy presence in your life will buffer so much of life's negativity. Even if you are the type of person whose goals fall far outside the realm of relationships, strong ones will invariably make you more successful in accomplishing the goals you do have.

Relationships and happiness are a self-reinforcing duo 

I love this closing thought from an organization called Action for Happiness, which aggregates positive psychology research into a digestible website for folks who want to learn more about well-being:  

“Just as relationships are a two-way thing, it seems the connection between happiness and relationships is too. Not only do relationships help to make us happier, but also happy people tend to have more and better quality relationships.”

Even knowing how important relationships are to your happiness, you can’t rely on other people to do the heavy lifting for you. It’s important to seek personal satisfaction in other areas of your life, so that you’re bringing joy to your relationships, rather than weighing them down with the heaviness of your unhappiness. 

In a few weeks, I’ll be sharing two posts from a couple that has inspired me all my life with their easy and loving partnership. One is an interview with a licensed marriage counselor with 30 years of practice under her belt on the secrets of a happy relationship. The other is something of a love letter from a husband to his wife of 30 years, inclusive of advice for young people seeking the same affection and stability.

So that you don’t miss a thing on positive psychology and relationships, make sure to subscribe to Blue Sky Mind.  

Thankful Journal No. 4

San Francisco has seen a goood last few weeks. The sun has re-emerged, and the feeling of joy it gives me is indescribable. I’ve spent so much time outdoors, basking in the glow of the blue sky or delighting in the first flowers of the season. The air is thick with musky, spring-heavy floral scents, even more so after the occasional burst of rain. Spring rain is different than winter rain; it leaves the air warm and thick, and I love walking home wrapped in its woolen touch.

With the coming of spring, I’ve spent more and more of my weekend time exploring and delighting in new places. And by new places, I mean new views and new food. This is what brings me joy. This is me as my own heaven. Sunshine, greenery and a glass of chilled wine. Stopping to admire city flowers on my walk to the library. Ripping into a matcha croissant or wafting freshly baked bread to the point that it’s become my personal aura.

Below you’ll find images of my personal delights of late. I hope they bring you joy like they do me.

Processed with VSCO with f2 preset

Up Next: Read Thankful Journal No. 2

The Tao Te Ching Explained: 'Transcend Tense To Fully Be Here Now'

Kevin got me a copy of the Tao Te Ching on a whim in 2017. I think he saw it on Amazon and bought with one click, but to be gifted an ancient Chinese text on existential philosophy is still a special thing. I experienced similar joy upon receipt of the mind body and soul calendar my dad got me for Christmas last year.

This book took me a full year to read, but I think the way I consumed its tiny pages was perfect. Every night that I got a chance, I would read a verse or two and annotate the pages with thoughts on how it applied to my life. It was an interactive reading model and one that I enjoy, but don’t often get to practice given my propensity for borrowed books from the library. Their staff seem less thrilled when I return the book with my very thoughtful comments penned throughout.

The Tao Te Ching explained

Although I’m not sure a review of an ancient Chinese text is the sexy content that my BSM readers are looking for, I really like to write about books as a way to integrate the learnings into my life. For its tiny size, this book felt rich with wisdom. So without further ado, here’s the Tao Te Ching explained in my own words.

Who wrote the Tao Te Ching?

Lao Tzu, widely considered to be the father of Taoism. What is Taoism, you might ask? A quick Google search reveals the following from BBC:

Taoism is an ancient tradition of philosophy and religious belief that is deeply rooted in Chinese customs and worldview.

Taoism is about the Tao. This is usually translated as “the Way.” But it's hard to say exactly what this means. The Tao is the ultimate creative principle of the universe. All things are unified and connected in the Tao.

From what I gather, Taoism is a set of spiritual beliefs related to how one should live their life. It seems closely related to zen philosophy. Here’s a bit more on the subject:

And who was this Lao Tzu?

[He] was an ancient Chinese philosopher and writer. He is the reputed author of the Tao Te Ching, the founder of philosophical Taoism, and a deity in religious Taoism and traditional Chinese religions.

From my limited internet research, there seems to be much suspicion that -- like Homer of the Odyssey or (dare I say it) Jesus of the Bible -- Lao Tzu is a mythical character and that the Tao Te Ching was likely a compilation of many authors from the time of the 6th century BC.

Despite his mythology, there are some theories about the fabled Lao Tzu’s life. It’s posited that Lao Tzu was a friend and peer of the famous Chinese philosopher Confucius. You might know Confucius for such sage quotes such as “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated," or “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Many stories claim that Confucius sought out Lao Tzu’s advice from a young age and was deeply impressed with the older man’s wisdom.

The Tao Te Ching explained

In Chinese, “tao” means “path,” “te” means “virtue,” “ching” means “ancient text.” So this book is an ancient Chinese text that lays out the path to virtue (in the eyes of the likely mythical Lao Tzu). It reads something like the Bible from an ideas perspective, but with a definite zen/anti-establishment lean. Despite being contrarian for its time, it leaves the reader with a calm, soothed feeling, not agitation.  

The entire book is about achieving what Lao Tzu calls “The Great Integrity,” a global society in which we’re governed by strong morals oriented toward humanity, rather than capitalism. It gets vaguely political, which might be unexpected for some.

What I liked about it was that it’s primary call to action was around connecting with our roots in nature and communal groups of humans. Over and over again, it returned to the idea that people and humanity are largely good, which is an incredibly soothing idea in a world saturated with negative media coverage and widely divergent political groups.

Lao Tzu makes the case that, over time, society has been trained to believe that injustices and cruelties are simply part of our nature, which rationalizes why we must compete so fiercely for resources. Instead, he argues that human nature is fundamentally good, and that goodness begets goodness.

An example of my interactive reading model, as well as the layout of the verses and commentary

Thematically, the Tao Te Ching trends positive. The prose is rich with words like cooperation, altruism, nature, self-actualization, humanity, transcendence, the universe, tranquility, and oneness. Right up my alley.

Notably, it also gets into some interesting topics on the nature of reality, the ego, fragmentation of society and self, as well as our relationship with excess. These are all areas of struggle for me and therefore powerful concepts to explore through philosophy.

Read the Tao Te Ching if you like…

• Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

• Why Buddhism is True

• Rumi’s poetry

Writing quality and style

There are ~80 short verses in the book, perfect for beginning or ending your day with a sprinkle of mindfulness. The verses read like short poems and have been translated into simple, understandable prose.

The version I read includes commentary after each verse, helping make the ancient wisdom a bit more accessible. However, as a writer, I couldn’t help but read some of the commentator’s interpretations as somewhat vague and idealistic. He didn’t always do a good job surfacing the “so what” of each verse. Perhaps, though, some of the verses don’t have enough hidden meaning to surface anything more.

I think I started to annotate this book because the commentary didn’t always ring true for me, and I wanted to write in my own meaning wherever it came up. Reading is such a personal process, I would recommend this practice to anyone.

Useful stuff I learned from the Tao Te Ching

Something I’ve learned about myself through writing is that I’m far more comfortable sharing quotes from other people and commenting on them than I am producing “quotes” of my own. I’m sure this is a common feeling for many novice writers and also a symptom of digital remix culture, where it’s easy to borrow and build on ideas of another. Hopefully, you guys don’t mind.

Here’s my interpretation of some of the more powerful quotes I found in the Tao Te Ching:

“Craving the desirable loses contentment. The natural person desires without craving and acts without excess. By not doing, everything is done.”

When our talents are not appreciated, we endlessly seek affirmation. I encourage you to examine your cravings. Understand that cravings do not need to control you, because it’s not natural to be ruled by them. Be curious about your cravings and ask why you desire the things you do so strongly. Can you look for balance?

This quote seems to suggest that we strive for a life lived through the “natural expression of needs,” rather than “compensation for our deprivations.” To me, natural needs follow Maslow’s hierarchy (below). This quote is a really good reminder for me with my blog. I don’t need to seek accolades or record page views, just an internal feeling of accomplishment and creative expression.

“The wise are heard through their silence. Always self-full through selflessness.”

This quote makes me think of quiet confidence, which is a trait I so admire in others. It also seems to say: we want for nothing when we care for others. It’s interesting to turn this idea over in my head, that modesty might in fact help someone achieve self-fulfillment. I didn’t grow up valuing modesty, but as I learn and grow, the trait takes on a subtle glow. Selfless people are universally admirable and alluring in many respects.

“Because they do not delight in boasting, they are appreciated.”

When you boast or show off, it signals that you feel unloved. Most normal people (save manipulative ex-boyfriends and predatory salespeople) are repelled by obvious signs of such neediness. Instead, it’s important to keep in mind that hard work from a pure heart does not go unnoticed. I’ve been asking myself lately, how can I quietly help others?

“Transcend tense to fully be here now”

What a beautiful, lyrical way to remind myself to come into the present moment. The Tao Te Ching hails meditation as a way to cleanse the mind of daily, petty worries, so that it can be filled with more holistic, human content. “Our root is quietude,” says Lao Tzu. Return to it regularly, daily.

“You as your own heaven”

This phrase moves me, almost to tears. My heart aches for the fact that so many of us, most of us, do not love ourselves with conviction. It’s interesting to ponder why we as a society entrust so much of our energy to religious ideologies that may or may not be completely baseless, but struggle to invest in our relationship with our physical, surely-real selves.

I’m emotional as I think about what my own heaven looks like, my own reprieve from the world. If my internal environment could become that soft, warm, light-filled place, I would never need to escape anything ever again. This is what I might call a resonant phrase.

More interactive note-taking on our relationship to tech, purity of intent and meditation.

“When you merge with the universe, the whole world is attracted to you, discovering through you, its own security, peace, and good health . . . The world’s rhythms are our rhythms. To treat our planet with care, moderation and love is to be in synchrony with ourselves.”

One of the central themes in the Tao Te Ching is that there are three key human illusions:

1. We are separate from the Earth

2. The Earth is here for us

3. We are separate from each other

This quote offers a remedy to these dangerous illusions, illusions that have brought us to the edge of global demise by irreversible climate change. This blog isn’t really meant to be about my political beliefs, but it seems fitting to bring up in the context of a semi-political text of ancient Chinese philosophy. Even Lao Tzu understood that there would be a price to pay for our illusions of separateness.

So if we aren’t meant to be separate, what does it mean to merge with the universe? I don’t exactly know. But I think it’s an idea to be understood intuitively, not logically. Surely it’s rooted in the concept of oneness and finding serenity in your place as one of many, simultaneously everything and nothing. And if we are one with the universe, then we must take care of its contents (Earth, animals, humans) as we would care for ourselves.  

Other good Tao Te Ching reviews

• Understanding the Tao Te Ching (Center Tao)

• The Tao Te Ching by Laozi: ancient wisdom for modern times (The Gaurdian)

• Wisdom For The Ages In 'Tao Te Ching' (NPR)

• Analysis of the Tao Te Ching, with Connections to Other Traditions  (Medium)

• Classic Review: Tao Te Ching (Kansas City Public Library!)

Find your own virtuous path

Check out the Tao Te Ching from your local library or buy it on Amazon if you want to mark it up like I did. Put it on your nightstand and flip through a few verses in the morning or evening. It’s very nice to pair with your regular meditation practice.

Even if you don’t read this book, find something that you can return to regularly in order to reflect on your world, both internal and external. What I love about books like the Tao Te Ching is not that they’re page-turners, but that they offer unique perspective that both comforts and challenges. The words are like getting a loving intervention from your very caring mother: I love you, and I want you to be happy, so here’s what I think you should think about. That’s my invitation to you.

Up Next: Read Want To Be 10% Happier? Author Dan Harris Thinks He Has The Secret