How to Make it Work (And Know When to Move On): Relationship Advice for Couples Early On

Note: The experience and insights that form the basis of this post come from Pat Dixon, licensed family and marriage counselor for 30 years. This post is part of a multi-part series sharing her best advice for those seeking a lasting, happy romantic relationship.

I’m convinced there’s nothing more difficult than the first stage of the romance cycle, where you’re trying to find someone that’s single, attractive, interesting, and attracted to you. But I do think we often forget that interpersonal challenges don’t go away at the point of commitment; in fact, that’s kind of when the hard work begins. 

Figuring out how to make it work (and if it’s worth it) 

Once you’ve found someone you’re excited to date exclusively, it’s tempting (at least for me), to turn a blind eye to any frustrations or incompatibilities that I sense early on and just focus on how to make it work. I’ve looked so long for someone who gives a dang about me! I’m not about to give that up with nit picking. 

But you should continue to evaluate your partner at this stage of romance (albeit graciously). That’s kind of the point of dating someone seriously – you’re getting to know someone well enough to understand if they’re a compatible life partner for you. The challenge in this stage is not securing a partner, but coming to understand if they’re the right one for you in the long term. 

Pat (otherwise known as my grandma), shares her wisdom on how to approach this phase below.  

Become aware of your similarities and differences, then negotiate them

As a counselor, my grandma would administer something called the Taylor-Johnson Personality test, which measured couples along various personality traits – things like rigidity vs. impulsiveness -- to see where they were alike and where they differed. That information was then used to form the basis of discussion and help the partners get to know one another on a deeper level. This self-awareness is critical to understanding compatibility at this stage in a relationship. If two people are self-aware, she says, they can talk about what’s important to them.

Homework for couples: Take the Taylor-Johnson, Insights Discovery (a personal favorite), Meyers-Briggs and/or 5 Love Languages personality tests and set aside an hour to discuss how your results relate to one another. 

Another exercise she liked to walk couples through involved having them each describe their ideal relationship as if they were directing a love story film; what would be important to have in it? Sometimes, the partners would find that their love stories were similar and that they could build on that shared foundation. Others found out that their idealized versions were fairly different and that they’d need to openly explore compromise.  

When differences exist here, it’s important for each partner to understand how strongly those needs are felt by the other. It can be as easy as rating them on a scale of 1-10. Often, a need is much more important to one person than the other. The person who rated it as less important may be willing to agree to go along with the request based on the importance to the other person. Over time, though, this should somewhat equal out.

Homework for couples: Describe your ideal relationship to your partner as if you were directing a love story film. Ask for them to do the same. Discuss where you might be able to compromise.

Be who you are, but respect the role of compromise 

Can you be yourself with your SO, or are you modifying your behavior? Are you walking on eggshells so they don’t get upset? If you want to do something, do they go along with it, but criticize or become miserable? It probably doesn’t take a marriage counselor to tell you that any form of consistent behavior modification in your intimate relationships is unsustainable and unfair to both you and your partner. 

So be who you are, says Pat. Don’t try to change yourself to impress the person. This doesn’t mean you can’t want to improve yourself and be willing to compromise on things. You should feel like you can always be yourself, even when yourself is expressing something the other person doesn't like. Some partners will do whatever the other wants, giving up their own needs, and Pat is firm in her assertion that this is unhealthy. Negotiating your differences is a necessary and healthy skill. 

Homework for couples: Is there any behavior that you consistently edit around your partner? Try talking about this in a neutral setting to see if there’s an opportunity to own this part of your personality in the relationship. 

Traveling can be a good indicator here; before a trip together, try asking your partner, “What's most important to you?” Figuring out how to do both is an indication of a healthy relationship. For instance, my grandma and Papa mostly align, but he will bring a book when they go shopping to stay entertained. 

Case in point. You know there’s a book in that backpack.

And know that it’s okay to opt out of something you really don’t want to do, for something you’ll find more enjoyable. In the end, both parties will be grateful that each could come back to the union feeling filled up and happy. It’s a healthy sign if partners can agree to not do everything together, says Pat. This allows for growth on both sides.

Homework for couples: Before a trip together, sit down with your partner to discuss each of your priorities for the experience. Plan your itinerary such that both person’s needs are met daily, even if that means building in solo time. 

Travel is also great for the simple fact that you will spend enough time together to really get to know who they are; How do you handle the boring times together? What are their strengths/weaknesses? This will further help inform the areas of your relationship that will have ease or require negotiation. 

The right person adds to your life (most of the time)

I think one of the hardest things to know in this stage of romance is whether we’re compromising too much. So I asked my grandma for a litmus test. She says the way that you know is simple: 

“Being together should feel good, at least the majority of the time. You should be comfortable doing things on your own, but it’s especially nice when the other person is there. They add to your life, rather than subtract.”

Ahh. Something about that response is so simple and satisfying. It makes me feel confident that the next person I’m seriously involved with, I’ll know a little more about how to “know” if he’s the one. 

For more resources on this topic, I’d recommend checking out the following helpful articles: 

1. TIME: A Guy Read 50 Years Worth of Relationship Studies. He Came Up With 17 Strategies 

2. Mind-Body Green: 10 Essential Secrets To Making A Relationship Work

3. One Love: 7 Ways to “Make it Work” When You and Your S.O. are Total Opposites

Up Next: What the Research Says About Happiness & Healthy Relationships

It's More Than Luck & Likeness: Seasoned Advice for Relationship Rookies

Note: This post was contributed by Bill Dixon, former reporter and editor, PR comms consultant and stately grandfather.

She carried herself with dignity. That’s how I knew she was the one.

That and her patience, practicality, warmth, optimism, mental flexibility and sense of adventure.

Those things mattered to me when I met Pat in the early 1980s, and they have kept us close for more than three decades of marriage.

Nurturing a successful long-term relationship

I acknowledge that luck has played a role. I fell in love with a marriage counselor, after all. I acknowledge that the more alike two people are, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage. Pat and I grew up in middle income households, earned college degrees and had careers that involved lots of office work with other middle-income, college-educated people. Our work focused on facts and data, for Pat as a representative of the circuit court and for me as a reporter and editor.

Sure, luck and similarities count for a lot. But it’s still possible to have a compatible background and have a failed marriage. I think Pat and I have a successful marriage. And I think we did some things that may prove helpful to younger people considering a long-term relationship.

Here are three of those things:

We developed a baseline of data

We used a personality test called the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis. It measures nine opposing personality traits that play important roles in interpersonal relationships. Among them are “Self-disciplined or Impulsive” and “Subjective or Objective.”

I scored high for impulsivity and subjectivity. Pat didn’t. These opposing tendencies have generated quite a few spirited discussions in our marriage, almost on a daily basis. With that built-in potential for disagreement, we have evolved a decision-making style that often resembles in its speed the formation of metamorphic rock. At such times, I try to remind myself that my preferences may be guided more by my tendency to jump for the quick fix than by objective criteria.

 The Taylor-Johnson instrument is only available through licensed counselors. To me, hiring an expert for a few sessions of pre-marital counseling could be money well spent. Especially when you consider the lifetime over which you can amortize the expense, and the steep cost in money and anguish if you get the relationship wrong.

Pro Tip: For a preliminary look at your personality mix as a couple, you might consider a free option. Our daughter Phoebe, a counselor-in-training, likes The Five Love Languages profile, which focuses on emotional communication preferences. Other free options are based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which groups people according to four “dichotomies:” introversion vs. extroversion, sensing vs. intuition, thinking vs. feeling, and judging vs. perceiving. These options include Truity’s TypeFinder Personality Test or 16 Personalities or HumanMetrics.

We went to a relationship class

Actually, I went to class. Pat taught it. It was where I first saw Pat’s brains and sense of adventure assert themselves.

She would go to happy hour somewhere with a fellow counselor, put together the lesson plan and then lead a thought-provoking class, all in the same evening. It was the teaching equivalent of performing without a net, and she pulled it off every time.

As a relationship teacher, Pat emphasized the importance of self-knowledge as a prerequisite to successful relationship-building. As I remember the logic it was something like:

 Know yourself, so you can trust yourself, so you can trust others.

 One class session focused on knowing how to cope with – or as Pat put it, survive — change. We learned that we should expect to be stressed by change. Even good change, such as moving in with someone you love, will cause a stress reaction in most people. We also learned techniques for surviving change. The ones that have meant the most to me are:

• Pay attention to your thoughts. Are they rational? If not, argue with yourself.

• Keep change to one area at a time.

• Make sure you have support.

In another lesson, we examined the supportive relationships we already have. We students made lists of our personal “boards of directors:” people who had made a positive impact on our lives. I recall that about a third of the people on my list were college professors or high school teachers, because they set high standards and were confident that I could achieve them.

Making the list helped me realize the high level of trust that was a part of my life. It also helped me see how this new person in my life, Pat, fit into my trust network. I put her at the top of my list.

We went white-water rafting

This was very early in the relationship, and it did two things that strengthened our relationship. First, we shared an adventure. Second, it challenged us to achieve a common goal – surviving! – in an unfamiliar environment. During that trip, each of us learned how the other dealt with stress and how it felt to work together.

A young Bill and Pat on one of their white-water rafting adventures, early in the relationship.

Over three days, we rafted a 45-mile segment of the Deschutes River where it cuts through a dramatic gorge in the high desert of Central Oregon. Our crew consisted of three heavy duty inflatable rafts, with five people to a raft. We had a couple of experienced river runners along, but everyone else was a novice. We learned to paddle and negotiate the rapids very quickly. 

Each of us took a turn steering our raft from the stern. This involved not only using our own paddle as a rudder but telling our fellow passengers how to use their paddles so our raft could make tight turns around the rocks that seem to be everywhere in the Deschutes. We all made mistakes in these situations, and it was invigorating to work through them together

But the real relationship builders were on shore. Like when Pat and I tried to cook spaghetti noodles to feed the crew, couldn’t get the water hot enough and wound up with dough lumps. Or when a freight train blasted its way through the gorge at 2 o’clock one morning (yes, there’s a rail line there) and we thought it was going to run right over us as we huddled in our sleeping bags.

Then there was the skunk. This was also at night. We slept without tents because you can get away with that in arid Central Oregon and because, without much ambient light, the sky is alive with stars. The night after the train attack, I woke up to a scratching sound. It was a skunk exploring our plastic ground cloth. Being the loving partner I was, I woke up Pat, urged her not to get excited and clued her in to the skunk. When she sat up for a better look, I got behind her.

If the skunk had sprayed at that moment, Pat would have taken the full blast. Instead, our guest just shuffled off.

We have relived this moment many times over the years, and there are two things I can’t explain. One is why I got behind Pat instead of in front of her. Two is why she didn’t abandon me right then. If you figure it out, please comment on the blog.

But she didn’t abandon me, not even when . . . A couple of years ago, I thrust Pat into the role of emergency caregiver when I blew out my tendons on both knees. 

Did you know that when you walk down stairs holding large boxes in front of you, you are likely to miss a step because you (a) can’t see ahead of you very well and (b) can’t hold onto the handrail? Did you also know that when you fall from a height of about 2 feet and land on your knees you can screw them up so royally that you no longer can move your legs from the knee down? We learned all that the hard way.

THE FALL happened on Labor Day weekend 2016. A surgeon repaired the knees within 12 hours of the fall, and, legs tightly wrapped from hip to ankle, I was able to hobble around like Frankenstein within 12 hours of the surgery. But I faced at least six weeks of hobbled recovery before the casts would come off and I could bend my knees again.

There was no question of taking the trip to Hawaii that was scheduled to start in early September. All of the household chores suddenly fell to Pat. Plus she had to give me injections of an anticoagulant every night. She had to put up with my squirming through the night (I dare you to get comfortable in bed with your legs straight out) and my using the bedpan every couple of hours because I couldn’t get myself out of bed. She even had to drive everywhere, for God’s sake, after being chauffeured by me for more than 30 years.

It was a horror show.

The main factor that pulled us through was the trust we had built up. The personality data, the class, the raft trip – they put us on the right track to handle a big disruption. Throughout the busted-knee ordeal, I never doubted for one minute that Pat would help pull me through, and, as far as I can tell, she never doubted that I would make a full recovery.

THE FALL reminded me how relationship-building – focused, conscious effort -- is important. In the beginning, it brings richness to our shared lives. But at some point -- and if you're lucky this point won't come until much later in life -- it brings healing in times of crisis or loss. To paraphrase a popular phrase from Paul's Letter to the Corinthians a well-founded relationship “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

Four Takeways To Consider:

1. Use assessment tools to learn more about each other. It’s enlightening.

2. Take a relationship class. With real people, not online.

3. Share adventures as rookies. No fair if one of you is an expert.

4. Always hold the handrail.

For more from Bill, check out From Conflicted to Conscious Consumer: How To Build & Enjoy a Mindful Shopping Habit.

Up Next: Read Positive Psychology & Relationships: What the Research Says About Happiness & Healthy Relationships

Positive Psychology and Relationships: What the Research Says About Happiness & Healthy Relationships

When I reflect on the happiest moments in my life, people are always part of the story. Not necessarily strangers - though their presence is welcome - but close, intimate relationships. I think about college, where being in a sorority meant I was constantly surrounded by my best friends. I think about glasses of wine shared with coworkers after a long week, where we end up laughing ourselves to tears. I think about small, sweet moments spent cuddled up next to the person I love, watching our newest favorite show and basking in the sense of easy closeness. 

Relationships have always been the most important and fascinating things in my life. Particularly romantic relationships, and why it’s so difficult to find and stay in a happy one. This fascination has led me to seek out endless books, articles, videos, movies and conversations on the topic. Now, I’m excited to start the conversation on Blue Sky Mind. 

Positive psychology and relationships 

It turns out, my interest is not unfounded. People and organizations that study well-being unanimously conclude that relationships are a core factor -- if not the most important factor -- to living a happy life. This is a topic so central to Blue Sky Mind’s core mission to educate the world about positive psychology -- what it is, why it’s helpful and how to practice it in a realistic and sustainable way. Because your happiness is more influenced by your relationships than anything else in your life. 

To introduce this topic on the blog, I wanted to draw the very clear connection between positive psychology and well-being, because the research is voluminous and conclusive on the subject. 

Let’s dive in. 

Researchers consider healthy relationships to be the single most important factor in happiness 

From the man who’s credited with inventing the field of positive psychology, relationships are considered the “single most reliable” of the five elements to well-being. Martin Seligman identifies all five in his book on positive psychology, Flourish. The researched-backed elements of well-being include positive emotion, engagement, meaning, accomplishments, and relationships. In Seligman’s own words, “other people are the best antidote to the downs of life and the single most reliable up.”

For a great primer on Seligman’s book and five elements of well-being, check out the following video: 

To add additional evidence to this idea, the Harvard Study of Adult Development -- a longitudinal study of 268 Harvard sophomores starting in 1938 and running until the end of each participant’s life -- found that:

“Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives . . .[Close relationships] protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.”

So not only are relationships key to your present-day happiness, they’re instrumental in helping you live a long, healthy life.

A study out of Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which surveyed 2,500 people, found that:

“Being more pro-social—engaged in meaningful, authentic relationships, showing kindness and generosity in the world and being part of a supportive community—is the most promising route to sustainably increasing our well-being.”

Let’s pause on a few of those words: kindness, generosity, authentic, supportive. Collecting acquaintances is not enough. True happiness requires that your relationships feel authentic and supportive, that you express kindness and generosity in order to warrant that treatment in return. 

Additionally, research from one of Berkeley’s positive psychology fellows, Brett Ford, suggests:  

“This kind of approach to pursuing happiness may work better than striving for continuous pleasure, success, and power.” 

What this means: Stop prioritizing your job or your next sexy fling if you’re looking for lasting well-being. Start prioritizing authentic connections with people you enjoy. This idea is reinforced by everything I took away from Yale’s Science of Well-Being course (which I highly recommend). 

Quality and quantity count, but so does time spent engaged in said relationships 

At age 25, I already feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day, so I’m very keen to understand which daily activities I should be investing in for my happiness. Three different studies I found map the link between how we spend our time and life satisfaction, with all signs pointing to socializing as the best thing you can do on a daily basis to increase your happiness. I’ve quoted two below.

Another longitudinal study out of Berkeley’s Greater Good Center found that when people spent more time socializing over the course of a year, they became more satisfied with their lives. Here’s the key quote for me: 

“They were the people who committed to teach their son to swim or be more understanding of others, to go on a trip with their partner or meet new people . . . What seems true across cultures is that social connections are key to well-being. For example, very happy people are highly social and tend to have strong relationships; kids with a richer network of connections grow up to be happier adults; and socializing is one of the most positive everyday activities.” 

One interesting point about this study is that the researchers acknowledged that social goals are easier to attain than, say, weight loss or getting a new job. To socialize with others, you simply have to pick up the phone or attend an event, whereas other goals require repeated, long-term effort to attain. This doesn’t diminish the positive effect of relationships by any means; in fact, it should motivate us all to take the few easy steps required to socialize more.

Another study by Nobel Prize winner Dan Kahneman, titled “Characterizing Daily Life Experience: The Day Reconstruction Method,” shows that intimate relations and socializing are the two most positive activities you can do in a day in order to increase well-being (defined by feeling happy, experiencing warm or friendly feelings, or simply enjoying yourself). 

I was fascinated by the finding that participants got the biggest boost from friends and relatives, followed by their significant other and children; I would have thought that your SO and kids would be the happiest interactions of your day — food for thought. The most negative social interactions tend to be at work, with your boss, coworkers, or customers, which surprises approximately no one. 

The three studies combined represent some of the most powerful data for me, because I tend to really value my alone time. In fact, I will specifically avoid making plans with people in order to pursue other goals that I think will make me more happy, like working out or writing for my blog. I continue to seek the right balance of socialization and working toward my various personal goals.

Just because relationships aren’t your “thing” doesn’t mean they can’t be a priority

If it’s not obvious already, relationships were something I cared about before I knew about their link to positive psychology. In fact, it's likely a huge part of what attracted me to the field. 

Before, though, I was guilty of looking for all my happiness in the romantic affection of another human being. Now, I see it more as an essential component to a well-balanced well-being portfolio. 

For those who aren't naturally drawn to relationships and don’t believe that they need human connection in order to live a happy life, my hunch is that past negative experiences have caused them to cordon off that part of their heart's desire. This might be due to their fear that the desire for connection won’t be adequately met and therefore lead to intense disappointment, perhaps for what seems like the umpteenth time. 

I want to persuade anyone with this mindset that relationships are worth investing in and getting right. Even if they're not perfect, their healthy presence in your life will buffer so much of life's negativity. Even if you are the type of person whose goals fall far outside the realm of relationships, strong ones will invariably make you more successful in accomplishing the goals you do have.

Relationships and happiness are a self-reinforcing duo 

I love this closing thought from an organization called Action for Happiness, which aggregates positive psychology research into a digestible website for folks who want to learn more about well-being:  

“Just as relationships are a two-way thing, it seems the connection between happiness and relationships is too. Not only do relationships help to make us happier, but also happy people tend to have more and better quality relationships.”

Even knowing how important relationships are to your happiness, you can’t rely on other people to do the heavy lifting for you. It’s important to seek personal satisfaction in other areas of your life, so that you’re bringing joy to your relationships, rather than weighing them down with the heaviness of your unhappiness. 

In a few weeks, I’ll be sharing two posts from a couple that has inspired me all my life with their easy and loving partnership. One is an interview with a licensed marriage counselor with 30 years of practice under her belt on the secrets of a happy relationship. The other is something of a love letter from a husband to his wife of 30 years, inclusive of advice for young people seeking the same affection and stability.

So that you don’t miss a thing on positive psychology and relationships, make sure to subscribe to Blue Sky Mind.