This post is part two of my four-part series on wedding planning, perfectionism, and what really happens when the big day finally arrives. My hope is that these posts serve as both a peek behind the curtain of our Pacific Northwest wedding and a source of honesty and guidance for other brides navigating the stress, beauty, and contradictions of wedding planning.

The Trough of Despair: Why Pre-Wedding Stress Hits So Hard

It is one month before the wedding, and I am in the trough of despair. Everyone tells me I am supposed to be, that it’s completely normal to find yourself in this place typically reserved for corporate entity designations on the Gartner Magic Quadrant. Ty & I are just under 2 weeks away from our wedding weekend in Hood River, Oregon. As we were leaving our private dance lessons last night (we are fitting 6 lessons in 4 weeks — no better time in the last year, I suppose!), we chatted with the incoming couple. They had at least 3 weeks to go til their wedding, and when asked if they too were losing their minds, they said yes, that it was the known “trough of despair.”

How silly is that? That the weeks leading up to what many deem the best day of their lives is so consistently dreadful. I called friends who’d recently gotten married to confirm, and it turns out what I’m feeling is common: doubt about all this money we’re spending. Anxiety that it can't possibly live up to the expectations built around it over the last year of planning. Regretting high cost choices we locked in early. Is there something in the contrast here that makes weddings so meaningful to the couple at the end of the day?

I am so grateful for how Ty and I have partnered while nosing around in our trough. We’re both covered in mud, arguing with the vendor who locked our order without checking in, pulling the trigger on last-minute after-party plans, dealing with too many people driving, wait — now too many people on the bus!

The Mental Load of Being the Bride (And Why It’s Different)

Here’s something I haven’t heard many people talk about: the mental load of being the bride is different from any other role in your life. Not because it’s harder, necessarily, but because it’s more emotionally entangled.

This isn’t just your project. It’s your identity, your love, your family, your friendships, your creativity, your style. All expressed in a very public way, for one night (or weekend) only. That’s a lot to hold. And when you add in the invisible work — the timelines, the tracking, the coordination, the memory of who has a dairy allergy and who can't sit next to who — it becomes overwhelming quickly.

I wanted the ultimate expression of me and of us in our wedding. So I became the creative director, logistics coordinator, and quality control department all in one. In retrospect, I see why. I was trying to ensure that what people experienced matched what I envisioned. I was trying to deliver something honest, to produce something uniquely ours in a world of so much consumption.

I Thought I’d Be a Chill Bride…Spoiler: I Wasn’t

Me, post-brow wax, crying on the streets of San Francisco

It feels even worse to me, because I thought I’d be the cool bride. In fact, many have commented on how surprisingly chill I have been in this process! Of course, what they haven't seen is the private mania that’s gone into researching hundreds of vendors to the point that I am still scrolling options in my sleep, or the dozens of mood board iterations I’ve created as I’ve been exposed to ever-more inspo content on IG, or the truly countless Revolve & Shopbop & Nordstrom orders received & returned in the quest for the perfect fits; I wonder when they will ban me? I have absolutely, positively zero chill.

It’s tough because this blog’s name is what I strive to be: peaceful, spacious, wise. There was a time last year I was contemplating starting grad school in the midst of planning my wedding, and I thought: that might be hard but really nice to not be able to sink too much of my time and energy into this event. Because there’s a high chance I get pretty swept up with my perfectionist tendencies & end up disappointed. I thought maybe I could head that off by simply not allowing my brain the time & space to get so involved. While I didn't end up going to grad school (def for the better), I probably should have heeded this self warning in a different way & plopped myself in therapy well in advance of the 2nd week before the wedding. I ended up calling two emergency sessions with my old therapist — paying out of pocket, as she’s moved out of network — just to get some support from a professional who knows me ASAP.

To illustrate my point, here is a short list of things that made me sob in the last month: Losing our ceremony arch in a last minute change to the floral order to save money (& we didnt even save any money). Cutting my finger on our new wedding knives. A less than perfect eyebrow wax.

Reckoning With Who (and What) We’re Stressing For

From deep in my trough, I find myself finally asking an important question: Who is all of this stress & planning for? Especially when it comes to beauty, what I’m wearing…I have to laugh and remind myself: Girl, the people in attendance are your humble family and friends. You might never look like the editorial bridal photos you see on Instagram, but you’re still going to look the most beautiful you’ve ever looked, and your people are going to love you no matter what you look like.

Even if you look as beautiful as a model…then what? You’re not going to be scouted. Business opportunities will not open up, nor new love interests made available (you’re married now, remember?). You might get more likes on social media than you ever have before & that will feel nice for a day or two. But it’s going to quickly feel empty.

As I’ve written about many times on this blog, when we chase materialistic things like beauty or status to drive our happiness, the goalpost just continues to move. It’s a central tenant — maybe even thee central tenant — of positive psychology. The dopamine of validation is a fleeting drug, leaving you craving the next hit. I know this better than most, and I still found myself in the trap of striving for all the wrong things when it came to my wedding. I found myself “doing it for the ‘gram.”

It’s embarrassing that I have to catch myself in these thinking patterns after all these years. But I’m compelled to share because it’s increasingly important to actively deprogram ourselves from these unproductive mental loops driven by social media, consumerism, and capitalist systems that thrive on women feeling like they need to be more beautiful, thin, and liked than their current reality.

Gratitude as the Antidote to Wedding Stress

Once I realized this hard truth, it was a little easier to walk away from my web browser. “Being perfect at my wedding won't make me happy,” has become my new mantra. And I’m trying to apply the antidote I know will help me actually find the joy in this process…by focusing on that which I’m truly grateful for.

Here’s a short list of things I’ve found myself grateful for in the last month:

All of my friends reaching out in the weeks leading up, either to share that they’re excited or to offer words of support & encouragement.
My mom going to the ends of the earth to support me in the weeks leading up, taking on task after task & not letting a ball drop. Also telling me over & over: “You can call me with all of your frustrations, rants, wins, joys. I’m here for all of it.” I needed that.
Pivoting our honeymoon plan from Arizona to GREECE ! and feeling so excited about that.
My dress being absolute perfection in my final fitting.

I’m surprised to find myself in this position, frankly. I really am. After all of my training on all the ways our brain miswants things that won't actually make us happy…here I am, deep in the mud. Stay tuned for part three: how it all went down on the big day.

If you’ve been through it yourself, I’d love to hear: What helped you cope with wedding stress? Share below so other brides know they’re not alone.

This is part two of my four-part wedding reflection series. Don't forget to subscribe in order to get the full story, dropping weekly in September!